The ‘Y’ Front Standoff

This is part of the link story between “The Y Front Chronicles” currently available on amazon and “The Y Front Chronicles Part II” which will be out late 2014.

Year: 3259

Location: Women Who Bitch With Other Women Studio

Sharon: Thank you for that wonderful prune and beetroot cake recipe, Daphne. I am sure our viewers will be rushing to make it very soon indeed.

<a large round of applause from the studio audience>

Sharon: Well, Tracey, do you know what the next segment is?

Tracey: No, I don’t, Sharon. Do tell me.

Sharon: Well, it’s called ‘My Husband Cheated On Me With My Best Friend’s Golf Instructor’s Third Cousin’s Landscape Gardener and I Am Devastated’.

Tracey: It happens more than people think.

Sharon: That’s why we are running this important segment…

Tracey: OMG! Sorry for interrupting, Sharon, but I’m being told there is breaking news in London and we need to go to our news teams at Cloud Central.

***

Location: Cloud News Studio

Anchorwoman Hannah: Good evening. There have been reports of the mass murderer known as SCoT-01 in London. This ruthless killer was last sighted a year and a half ago on board the doomed starship, Little Wrenn. We will now go over to our Roving Reporter, Tasmin. Tasmin, are you there?

***

Location: West London

Roving Reporter Tasmin: Good evening, Hannah, and thank you. I am here in West London and, as the rain slowly falls down upon us, the atmosphere is becoming more tense. There are a number of police officers closing the roads and I can hear the hum of the police hover-vehicles as they move towards the scene.

Hannah: Are there any signs of the fugitive or his hamster?

Tasmin: The fugitive was last seen taking three women up to his eighth-floor hotel room.

Hannah: How long ago was that?

Tasmin: Roughly, an hour ago.

Hannah: Can you describe these women?

Tasmin <a pause> ‘Very distinctive’ would be the phrase I would use. One had bright green hair, another bright pink, whilst the last had pastel blue. Their dress sense was rather unique and clothes were frankly lacking.

Hannah: Ah, I see. What is happening now?

Tasmin: The police are building their barricades and keeping people away from the hotel.

Hannah: Ok, and thank you. We shall return you back to your normal programme now, but will keep you updated as events escalate. If you wish to follow minute-by-minute news of the growing standoff, then turn to Cloud News now.

***

Location: Women Who Bitch With Other Women Studio

Sharon: <talking to someone offstage> Have we got the Spy-in-the-Sky yet? Well, I don’t give a damn if they do have it. I want it now and at the hotel!

Stagehand: And five, four, three, two, and one.

Sharon: And welcome back, viewers. I am joined on the sofa by our resident fashion guru, Melissa Farquhar.

Melissa: Hello, Sharon and viewers.

Sharon: And Hayley Snow, our war correspondent.

Hayley: Hiya.

Sharon: And, of course, my co-presenter, Tracey.

Tracey: Hi, everyone, and thank you, Sharon. The mass killer and hamster lover, SCoT-01 is loose in our beloved London. We all shudder at the thought of the damage he could do to all the shops along Oxford or Regents Street.

<a sharp intake of breath can be heard from the audience>

Melissa: Troubled and dangerous times.

Hayley: So true, Melissa. There is a lovely handbag shop in harm’s way and, if anything should happen to that, I would weep. I would. I would weep.

Sharon: Be strong, Hayley. We are all with you, isn’t that right, audience?

<a huge cheer and whooping can be heard>

Hayley: <turning to Sharon> Thank you. <turning to the audience> Thank you.

<more cheering from the audience>

Hayley: <composing herself> I have been reading up on this desperate war criminal and mass killer. His real name is not SCoT-01, as some people think. That is simply his classification number. His real name is buried deep within British military records.

So what do we know about this monster? He was part of an elite military unit, which specialised in covert operations. For some reason, the unit went rogue and attacked loyal British soldiers back in 3255. After a desperate firefight, SCoT-01 was the sole survivor.

He specialised in using dual pistols and especially the Mark VII Assault Pistol. Police have informed us that he is currently armed and very dangerous. The public must stay away from him.

His hamster, Terminal Flatulence, is also considered armed and dangerous. One sniff of his toxic fumes could kill in an instant.

The question we need to ask is – what turned a….

Sharon: I am sorry to interrupt, but our Spy-in-the-Sky has live footage of SCoT-01. Yes, looking at our monitors, we can see – wow… we can see the desperado, dressed only in his y-fronts as he makes his way to the fridge in the open-plan hotel room. Melissa, your thoughts.

Melissa: Well, Sharon, the y-fronts are black with the ‘y’ coloured in gold. They are stretched tight against his firm buttocks and, yes… <Melissa stares closely at the monitor, then puts her glasses on> I can confirm that he has very firm buttocks, exactly what you need to wear these undergarments. <Melissa leans back, sucking on the stem of her glasses>

Sharon: Do you think you know the maker?

Melissa: I do believe that they are from N & A, and are part of their Dark Passion range.

Sharon: Black with gold trim – difficult for a man to pull off?

Melissa: Not a lot of men could pull off that look. It’s all in the buttocks, you see.

Tracey: Sorry to interrupt, but two of the women are coming out of the bedroom. It’s the ones with green and pink hair, and they are naked.

Sharon: Well, really! Shameless!

Hayley: They are draping themselves around SCoT-01. Have they no shame?

Melissa: <leaning forward and placing her glasses on> Mmmm… The one with the green hair also has dyed her narrow strip of pubic hair green, and, yes, has a tattoo of a lawn mower near it.

Hayley: Has she?

Melissa: <leaning back> Yes, look at the freeze frame.

<all the women lean forward and stare at the monitor>

Sharon: Can we get this on the monitor for the audience to see?

<moments later, the image is brought up on the main studio monitor>

<the audience gasps>

Tracey: The slapper!

Hayley: The tart!

Sharon: How cheap!

Melissa: Next season’s must-have fashion accessory!

Tracey, Sharon, Hayley: <all together> Really!

Melissa: Yes, but the pink-haired woman is just a cheap tart – no class.

Sharon: There you have it, viewers. You heard it first here on Women Who Bitch With Other Women. Green pubic hair with a tattoo of a lawn mower is next session’s must-have fashion accessory. Hard news and fashion, all in one place.

<mass whoops and cheers from the audience>

Hayley: Hey, he is moving towards the window. Keep it on the big screen.

<on the big screen: A rugged lean and toned, male, who looks to be in his mid-forties, wearing black and gold y-fronts, walks towards the window with a bottle of water in one hand. He places his free hand on the windowpane and stares out into pitch-black night. His chest has red raw lines crisscrossing it, left by the women’s nails being dragged across it.

Whether by a fluke of the camera or an amazing ability, the man seems to stare down the lens of the Spy-in-the-Sky camera and smiles a knowing smile, as a bluish light glows faintly from behind his dark blue eyes.

He then turns round and, taking a woman in each arm, makes his way back to the bedroom just as the bedroom door opens and the woman with the blue hair beckons him in.

The door does not quite close and is left teasingly slightly ajar.

Melissa: <mouths> FUCK! <before sucking hard on her glasses stem>

Tracey: Well, viewers, we will be back after these messages.

***

Location: Western stairwell of the hotel

Sergeant: <speaking into a radio link in his helmet> Command, this is Fire Group One, ready to advance.

Command: Fire Group One, this is Command. Advance!

Sergeant: <signals for his team of nine soldiers to advance>

<from the camera fitted to the sergeant’s helmet, a picture can be seen of three soldiers carrying flamethrowers advancing slowly. Behind them are three soldiers equipped with pistols and, behind them, three with submachine guns. In the rear is the sergeant.

The soldiers carefully make their way up the wide staircase.

Sergeant: <speaking on the radio link> Steady, men, steady. Keep an eye out for that bloody hamster.

***

Location: Women Who Bitch With Other Women studio.

Sharon: Welcome back, viewers. Now, Hayley, how are things going?

Hayley: Well, Sharon, it’s been fairly quiet since you have been away and I am pleased to report that the handbag shop remains undamaged…

<a round of applause from the audience>

Hayley: …for the moment.

Sharon: Serious times.

Hayley: Indeed.

To be continued…..

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